


And I can't say I didn't think about it

by halahan



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Caring Park Seonghwa, Crush at First Sight, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Oblivious Kim Hongjoong, One Shot, Sexual thoughts, Shy Park Seonghwa, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, ateez first win, commission, some thirst for good measure, then obviously:, thinking about kissing, workaholic kim hongjoong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:09:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23083753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/halahan/pseuds/halahan
Summary: Five times Seonghwa thought about kissing Hongjoong, and one time he actually did.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Comments: 7
Kudos: 281





	And I can't say I didn't think about it

**Author's Note:**

  * For [illegalfriend](https://archiveofourown.org/users/illegalfriend/gifts), [detox](https://archiveofourown.org/users/detox/gifts).



The first thing Seonghwa notices in Hongjoong is how big his eyes are in comparison to his body. Metaphorically, at least. They shine with passion and determination and when he shakes Seonghwa’s hand upon meeting him, Seonghwa is left speechless.

Hongjoong’s beauty is unconventional. He’s not very tall, his build not very impressive, his nose is long and he looks like he has far too many teeth, but somehow altogether it works, and it makes Seonghwa feel warm in the cheeks.

Maybe, just maybe, thinking about how pretty someone is isn’t the first thing you should do, especially if the someone in question is going to be your colleague and roommate for the years to come, your leader even, and especially if you’re a boy and that someone is a boy too. But Hongjoong causes Seonghwa to go against his own better judgment and stare anyway.

He tries to shake the blush off when Hongjoong cocks his head to the side and calls out his name, making Seonghwa realize he might have been looking at the boy’s lips a second too long instead of paying attention to what he had actually been saying.

“I’m sorry can you say that again?” Seonghwa says, rubbing his neck lightly.

Hongjoong shakes his head with a chuckle. “Never mind, it wasn’t important.” He looks back at Seonghwa with a gentle smile, adding “I look forward to working with you, Seonghwa-ssi,” and the latter feels himself melt.

 _I’m fucked_ , he thinks, but somehow he doesn’t really mind. Hongjoong seems like a good person, and if Seonghwa has to have a little crush on him then so be it.

* * *

Seonghwa wakes up in the middle of the night. He has no idea what time it is – although judging by the darkness behind the blinds it can’t be any later than six – or why he woke up, but he knows that the quiet sounds he hears coming from Hongjoong’s bed are sobs. They’re barely audible, muffled by the leader’s covers, but they’re there nonetheless, and they break Seonghwa’s heart.

He hesitates, as he always does when it comes to Hongjoong, but he decides to call out.

“Joong?” he says softly.

The sobs stop, proof that Hongjoong heard him, but hiccups can still be heard – those Hongjoong can’t stop willingly.

Seonghwa sighs at the lack of a reply. He gets up from his bed, getting down the ladder and sits on the side of Hongjoong’s bunk. “Hongjoong,” he says again softly to the boy whose back is turned to him, “what is it?”

For a moment, there is no reply, but Seonghwa is patient so he waits for the other. He knows that Hongjoong keeps a lot to himself, so he waits for him to be ready.

And after a while, he is. Hongjoong turns around, his face barely visible in the darkness but the shininess around his eyes still clear to the older. Seonghwa reaches a hand out, rubbing the tears away lightly. The skin under his fingers is damp, but he can still feel the softness and the warmth of it, making something ache in his chest.

“I’m scared, Seonghwa,” Hongjoong finally says in a whisper. He doesn’t pause long enough for Seonghwa to reply, continuing in hiccups as more tears flow around the older’s fingers. “I’m scared of what the future holds and even if I k-know that all of us are working-g hard and t-that we will debut I-I’m scared of it being t-too much.”

“Shhhh,” Seonghwa comforts. He lays down next to the leader, holding his head to his chest and orders his heart to shut up when Hongjoong wraps his arms around his ribs. “It’s okay to be scared, we all are.”

“B-but I’m the lea-leader!”

“Which makes it twice as hard for you, I know that. But even if you have more responsibility, that doesn’t mean you’re alone. We’re all doing this together, we’re here with you.” _I’m here with you_ , Seonghwa thinks.

He doesn’t think he’s the best with words, the leader being far more skilled at them, but Hongjoong still nods, sniffling and trying to calm down his tears. Not knowing what more to add, Seonghwa stays silent, and simply holds Hongjoong, threading fingers through his bleached hair slowly.

It’s a secret he’ll keep to himself forever that at that moment, Seonghwa lets a few of his own tears stream down his cheeks. They’re too thin to fall and reach Hongjoong, so that secret is safe.

Hongjoong stirs after a while, letting Seonghwa go and looking up at him. “Thank you,” he says. Seonghwa wants to kiss the fear away from him, he barely sees Hongjoong’s features but he has stared at them and daydreamed about them enough to know what he looks like at the moment, and he wants to kiss his delicate features. There’s a lot that Seonghwa wants, less that Seonghwa takes.

* * *

These type of thoughts should not go through Seonghwa’s mind when he’s on national TV but Kim Hongjoong has never been fair with him, and Seonghwa can’t blame him because the leader, no matter how aware of the effect he has on the fans, has no idea that he has exactly the same on his fellow member.

And in a way it’s completely Seonghwa’s fault for never, not even once, telling him. No matter how many times Seonghwa had thought about confessing the thought had never been more than that.

But on some occasions, Seonghwa really wishes he could do _something_. On occasions like this one when Hongjoong has become a stage demon, showing the camera deadly expressions that go straight to Seonghwa’s head when they check their performance on the monitors. The worst part might be that, while the Hongjoong on screen makes Seonghwa think about the many ways he would like to take him, the actual leader is standing right next to him and Seonghwa can feel the heat of his body against his side.

Someone compliments the leader’s performance and suddenly he’s all smug, and Seonghwa wants to kiss the proud smirk off his face. He wants to push him against the wall and just plain ruin him.

Seonghwa winces quietly when he feels these thoughts travel down to his lower area, quickly excusing himself to escape he cameras capturing their reaction to find some peace elsewhere.

* * *

It’s nearing two in the morning when Seonghwa finally hears the front door of the dorm unlock, open and close again, followed by the sound of heavy feet taking off their shoes. He fights the sleepiness for the nth time that night and gets up, not bothering to turn on any lights on as he makes his way towards the entrance, where he sees the one he had been waiting for.

Hongjoong looks tired, his eyes small and his lips in a natural pout. His hair is a total mess, light brown hair sticking in every direction and since the leader had been growing his back hair out to have a mullet for the comeback the overgrown strands look a little funny.

The leader looks too cute for someone so exhausted, and his eyes turn round as coins when he spots Seonghwa in his pajamas, making his way towards him.

“Why are you still up?” Hongjoong whispers. His voice is rasp, as he probably spent a lot of time recording the song guides.

Seonghwa was still up because he always was, waiting for Hongjoong to get back so he could make sure the younger didn’t stay up too late. This time, he had, and Seonghwa was ready to scold him. But as soon as he saw his small frame – no matter if it was hidden under a big reformed hoodie – he just couldn’t bring himself to actually do it.

“I just woke up to get a glass of water,” Seonghwa whispers back, “it’s coincidence.”

Hongjoong, who usually is pretty good at reading into people and especially his members, seems too tired to catch onto the white lie.

The leader, now stripped off of all his outerwear, starts making his way to the bedroom when his stomach growls loudly. He stops in his tracks. He doesn’t say a word but Seonghwa can almost see the cogs in his brain turning, pondering over whether he should eat or go straight to bed, whether he should prioritize food or sleep.

“Hongjoong,” Seonghwa calls with a too-sweet voice, one he knows the other members have called menacing before. It makes the leader turn around, worry on his face. “Have you eaten since lunch earlier?”

Hongjoong opens his mouth, closes it, gulps, and opens it again, lowering his head. “I don’t suppose the onigiri I ate at eleven counts, does it...” he mumbles.

Seonghwa sighs lightly, shaking his head, and motions Hongjoong to come sit on the stool next to him at the counter. Hongjoong obliges as the older starts to make a box of instant ramen.

Hongjoong eats quietly, and Seonghwa sips on a glass of water next to him – he has to make the lie believable, even if Hongjoong isn’t exactly paying attention. The leader’s eyes are blinking fast, his head dropping every so often, and he chews slower by the second. But not until he has eaten the last bite Seonghwa says a word, and when he does, his head drops a little. He’s falling asleep on the spot and it makes Seonghwa’s heart clench.

Hongjoong looks so small and cute like this, and Seonghwa catches himself wanting to kiss all over his face, to place soft lips over his temple, forehead, over his heavy eyelids and even over his parted lips. However he decides against it, opting to shake Hongjoong lightly and guide him back to his bed, tucking him and watching him fall asleep instantly.

* * *

It’s pure joy and adrenaline that rushes through Seonghwa’s veins as they leave the stage. They won! They actually won! They won their first win a few minutes ago and Seonghwa can’t stop the beating of his heart. They’re all so excited, crying and laughing and hugging each other.

Seonghwa looks to his left and he sees Mingi jumping up and down with his hands on a sobbing Yunho, a contrast that makes Seonghwa chuckle, he looks to his left and he sees Wooyoung planting kisses on Yeosang’s face, the latter desperately trying to push him off as he fights his tears. Just behind him he hears San and Jongho talking excitedly about the trophy one of them must be holding. But just in front of him there is Hongjoong.

The leader is drying his tears, and a fraction of second after Seonghwa’s eyes found his figure, Hongjoong finds these eyes. He smiles. It’s a smile that means all and nothing, Seonghwa isn’t sure he could ever decipher it.

He walks towards Seonghwa and surprisingly, hugs him. He wraps his arms around Seonghwa’s waist loosely and hides his face in his neck. It takes a second for Seonghwa to hug back around his shoulders.

It’s loud around them but nothing is louder than Seonghwa’s love and pride. It beats in his heart, it beats in his ears, it beats in his whole being he’s almost afraid of the leader hearing it through his chest.

“Thank you,” Hongjoong says, the words holding far too much meaning for the older to catch all of it. But with Hongjoong, he’s learned not to think and to just feel.

They eventually part, but Hongjoong’s hands linger a little longer on Seonghwa’s hips, and the way their eyes meet again makes Seonghwa just want to lean in— just a little further— just a couple inches— just— just as a staff member calls for Hongjoong and the moment fleets away, the boys gathering once again to do their job – take a picture, do a live, but not kiss each other.

* * *

“Hwa?”

“Mh?”

“Do you ever think about what you would have been doing if we weren’t where we are right now?”

Seonghwa stops scrolling through twitter and looks to the side at Hongjoong. The leader had finally accepted to take a day to himself instead of spending their break in his studio – it had taken Seonghwa a few hours to convince him but somehow promising that everyone else was going to be out and that he himself wouldn’t bother Hongjoong had finally worked – and much to Seonghwa’s satisfaction he had spent the whole morning sleeping in and after a late lunch shared in comfortable silence both of them had settled on the couch, Seonghwa sitting on one end and Hongjoong lying next to him, his head resting on the opposite end’s armrest.

When he asked him his question, Hongjoong was not looking at Seonghwa, arms resting above his chest and staring at the ceiling in contemplation. Seonghwa takes that opportunity to look at the younger fondly – taking in his pretty and finally well rested looking face – humming while he only half thinks about what to answer.

“Like if we had never debuted?” Hongjoong continues, his voice still tainted will sleep. “Where do you think you would be? And if you’d never been accepted as a trainee? What… What would have happened if we’d never met?” His voice wavers slightly towards the end but he chooses to ignore it so Seonghwa does too.

“I don’t know,” Seonghwa answers softly, his voice making Hongjoong look at him, “I’m not sure I can imagine my life without you...” Hongjoong’s eyes widen and his cheeks get pinker, and Seonghwa can feel his own heating up to match. “Without _you guys,_ ” he adds quickly, his smile probably lopsided with his embarrassment as he looks away.

Hongjoong clears his throat, and with a quick look Seonghwa notices he’s back to staring at the ceiling.

“You’re right it’s hard to know what would have been but… I’m sure I still would have been doing music.”

Seonghwa nods, because he’s sure of it too. Hongjoong’s passion for music was something he had always admired in the man.

It’s silent again, so Seonghwa goes back to his phone.

He doesn’t often search his own name up but in lazy moments like this, he can’t help but type it into the twitter search bar. He looked at the Korean side of the fandom first, and was happy to see that most of the things he saw were positive – comments under his post telling him they love him, people praising him for his dance or his singing, a lot of “ㅠㅠ”, a few people calling him cute, amazing fanart – and barely one or two people saying they didn’t like him in his whole scrolling. It was pretty satisfying, so he moved on to the international side of things, typing his name in latin letters. And for a while, it was the same as the Korean side – fanart, people saying they missed him even though he had posted a few hours ago, praise and a concerning amount of people thirsting over him – until he came across something he hadn’t really seen before. Seonghwa wasn’t exactly fluent in english but he could understand the basics, and he was pretty sure that this was his name mixed with Hongjoong’s. And Seonghwa wasn’t exactly new to the internet either, he _knew_ what shipping was, but he had never seen himself in this scenario, much less in this scenario _with Hongjoong_. Seonghwa expands the details of the tweet and looks at it far more than he would like to admit it to himself.

“Joong?” he calls with a small voice, and after getting a hum in response he continues: “What does AU stand for in english?”

“Alternate Universe I think? Why?” No reply from the older. Hongjoong sits up, a strange smile on his face. “What is it?”

Seonghwa shakes his head, but he can’t look away from the tweet. Suddenly a hand grabs his phone and tugs it away from him. Luckily Seonghwa had been holding tight enough and he shouts a “hey!” when he’s tugged along with the phone, his grip eventually giving away. Thank god his phone has locked itself in the process, because Hongjoong is up on his feet and running away with the device, Seonghwa short on his heels.

“Yah!” he shouts, “give it back!”

They run around, Hongjoong laughing good heartedly and Seonghwa bumping into stuff as he tries to get the phone from the leader’s hands – and fails.

Eventually Seonghwa manages to grab Hongjoong’s wrist and in an attempt to pull it away, the latter falls back onto the couch, once again king Seonghwa into his movement. They topple over each other, Seonghwa’s knee barely catching him as it plants itself between Hongjoong’s legs under him.

Seonghwa realizes three things at that moment.

One: They’re in a very compromising position, Seonghwa above Hongjoong barely inches away from him, his hand firmly holding Hongjoong’s wrist above his head. He can feel Hongjoong’s breath fanning over his face, quickened by the running around they just did.

Two: Hongjoong’s face looks so pretty up close, and that’s the closest they’ve ever been so it’s the prettiest Seonghwa has ever seen him. His cheeks wear a natural blush that expands to his ears, his long eyelashes flutter, his lips parted. His eyes are full of want.

Three: Seonghwa really really, _really_ , wants to kiss him.

And for once, he does.

Their lips meet as their eyes close. It’s a quick touch, and Seonghwa pulls away almost instantly, but the sigh he hears Hongjoong let out – a sigh of relief, and it sounds like a whine is stuck in the leader’s throat – it makes Seonghwa let go of his wrist to grab his face and kiss him again.

They latch onto each other with a soft intensity, filled of the feelings Seonghwa realizes both of them had been holding in. It’s a little clumsy, but with each move of their lips, they discover each other a little bit more, with each lick of their tongues they get to know what they they always wondered it would feel like.

If the first one had not lasted long enough to wake Seonghwa’s sense up, this one makes them go wild. Hongjoong tastes of everything he’s ever dreamed of, and maybe a bit of the strawberries they had for dessert too.

**Author's Note:**

> for sel and fraise, thank you again for commissioning me and im glad you liked it!!
> 
> leave a kudo/comment to tell me what you thought about it <3
> 
> yell at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/atzplay)!!


End file.
